Finding My Voice Again

Where I shall slay words in 2018.

Well, it’s 2018. I know I’m not the only person who’d like to punch 2017 in the face. I promised you a year and a day ago that I’d keep you updated about my progress. So, here I am.

I know a year between updates is probably not what you’d had in mind. It’s not what I had in mind either. Silence is not what I wanted to give you.

Unfortunately, fear has been a big motivator—and sometimes saboteur—for me for most of my life. It used to ignite me to frenzied, single-minded action. Keeping me one step ahead of what felt like a tsunami looming behind me about to swallow me whole. Always one step ahead. One misstep away from ruin. From failure.

I know it sounds melodramatic, but that’s the uncensored truth of how my anxiety feels.

Over the last few years, my fear has failed to push me to act. Instead, it has shut me down.

It drove me to hide. It stole my time. It silenced my voice.

I don’t want to react out of fear any more.

I choose to speak—here and now. To find my voice again.

I had been fighting (and doggedly, but unsuccessfully, repressing) my anxiety alone. Early last year, I decided to stop fighting on my own. I was exhausted. Not just about this book, but about many things in my life. I am able to write this, in large part, because I started therapy. Not long after my last blog post. 

I’ve found out a lot about myself over the last year. For one, I discovered I’m ADHD. Which, honestly? Surprises no one who’s met me. But learning this about myself at 34 years old was paradigm shifting. My tsunami-of-doom feeling? Very tied to my ADHD.

I also discovered I had developed secondary PTSD. Which is an anxiety disorder. I won’t go into specifics as to how this happened, but it’s another reason the last few years have been difficult.

I’ve discovered more, and I’m all for talking openly about mental health issues and normalizing that we all need professional help at times, but I’m not comfortable sharing everything on this here World Wide Web. 

I’m not better, but I’m committed to the healing process. I have many tools now to help manage my anxiety when it does occur, and anxiety episodes occur far less often these days. If you’re struggling by yourself? Please, consider therapy.

It’s kind of magic.

And because of therapy, I have finally broken my blockades concerning Forge. (And my writing in general.) I have finally figured out how to turn this draft into something book shaped. I am already well into that hammering process. I have been working every day, and I’m excited about these characters and this story again.

I’m excited to get to share it with you.

Endor Leia and Wicket will help.

I’m not locking myself into a specific release date. Not yet. But I am confident in saying this book will be released in 2018. As I get farther into this round of revisions and have a better sense of how long it will take me to finish everything, I will announce a release date.

Thank you to everyone who’s sent messages about the story, for still caring after all this time. Thank you to everyone who’ve sent me messages wishing me well this year, telling me to take care of myself first. It has meant the world to me.

Thank you for sticking around. I’ll see you soon.