Against the Rising Tide
Despite the bright sunshine streaming through the trees, dark clouds crowd my thoughts. They are wordless thoughts, heavy with doubt. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to answer emails. I just want to disappear.
Now, I don’t mean that in any kind of melodramatic, goodbye-cruel-world way. I just feel worn, tired. I feel like I’ve been running this marathon for far too long and putting forth any effort is asking too much.
I know these grasping feelings entangling me. These are the early signs of depression. These are the first signs of me beginning to shut down.
Depression has been my companion, lo, these many years. We’ve fought countless times. Sometimes, depression won. Sometimes, I won. After all these battles, losses and victories alike, I’ve discovered how to hold back this rising tide of depression (for me at least). I must take action. To do that which I desperately want to avoid.
Because depression is a sinister counselor. It whispers sweet words promising rest, encouraging me to let go. It's easy to let the tide wash over me. It takes an act of will to stand and walk away.
But how do I stand when I lack the will to stand?
I stop thinking, and I STAND. I DO.
This post is me standing up. If you struggle with depression, please know that you are far from alone, and we can’t make it through this life alone. Sometimes, we need others to help us stand when we can’t. And there’s no shame in that.
I hope today that you will choose to stand. Despite the ugliness of the world. Despite suffocating expectations. Despite the voices that tear you down. Against the rising tide, I encourage you to stand.
Comments
It doesn't help that I can't relate to it. My brain reacts to stress and heartache head on. I bounce back annoyingly quickly from pretty much anything. I don't say this to brag, just to illustrate how my best intentions often miss the mark completely because my frame of reference is so different.
How can those of us who can't relate through experience help? Is there anything that we can do or say that will make a difference?
(hug)
Elizabeth
Elizabeth
The best thing my family and friends can do for me is to let me know that I'm not alone, that they won't abandon me. I've also told them what the are signs that signify a depressive cycle, and I've asked them to hold me accountable when I start showing the signs. They encourage me to stand up and push me out the door to do things when I really, really don't want to. I have enough sense to do what they say, even though I'm all angsty about it on the inside, because I know once I do, I will feel better.
But these are things that I've asked them to do, so that keeps me from treating them badly when they do them. Because I ASKED them to. I only have myself to blame.
But the reasons for depression can vary so much from person to person, so I wouldn't presume that I understand the cause of your husband's. The best advice I can give is just to let him know that he's not alone.
With hope,
Elizabeth
Maybe I've spent too much time trying to handle this alone.
You're definitely not alone - keep fighting.
You definitely aren't alone.
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