Against the Rising Tide


Do you ever feel the walls closing in? Like you’ve been juggling too many balls for too long? You flinch once beneath the pressing weight of expectation, and everything shifts. Because that’s all it takes. A single misstep, and everything slowly slides out of balance. That’s how I feel today.

Despite the bright sunshine streaming through the trees, dark clouds crowd my thoughts. They are wordless thoughts, heavy with doubt. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to answer emails. I just want to disappear.

Now, I don’t mean that in any kind of melodramatic, goodbye-cruel-world way. I just feel worn, tired. I feel like I’ve been running this marathon for far too long and putting forth any effort is asking too much.

I know these grasping feelings entangling me. These are the early signs of depression. These are the first signs of me beginning to shut down.

Depression has been my companion, lo, these many years. We’ve fought countless times. Sometimes, depression won. Sometimes, I won. After all these battles, losses and victories alike, I’ve discovered how to hold back this rising tide of depression (for me at least). I must take action. To do that which I desperately want to avoid.

Because depression is a sinister counselor. It whispers sweet words promising rest, encouraging me to let go. It's easy to let the tide wash over me. It takes an act of will to stand and walk away.

But how do I stand when I lack the will to stand?

I stop thinking, and I STAND. I DO.

This post is me standing up. If you struggle with depression, please know that you are far from alone, and we can’t make it through this life alone. Sometimes, we need others to help us stand when we can’t. And there’s no shame in that.

I hope today that you will choose to stand. Despite the ugliness of the world. Despite suffocating expectations. Despite the voices that tear you down. Against the rising tide, I encourage you to stand.

Comments

dstewart said…
You describe something that feels familiar. Depression creeps up, like cold air, and wraps around my ankles. But, after years, I see it, I feel it, and I take ACTION. Know that you are not alone, either.
Katie said…
You hit it right on the nose my friend. I'm afraid that if I ever stop going, I'll never start again. Just know that we love and appreciate what you do (in your authoring, although I'm sure your students adore you as well). The fight is well worth fighting.
Villagepig said…
I wish I knew the right words to say. My husband, like you, is a life long companion of this sinister disease and though most of the time he keeps it at bay, there are times when it gets the better of him. As his partner I want to be able to help, to be able to lift the burden but somehow I get it wrong.

It doesn't help that I can't relate to it. My brain reacts to stress and heartache head on. I bounce back annoyingly quickly from pretty much anything. I don't say this to brag, just to illustrate how my best intentions often miss the mark completely because my frame of reference is so different.

How can those of us who can't relate through experience help? Is there anything that we can do or say that will make a difference?

(hug)
Exactly! And writing this post really did make a difference for me. (That and all those endorphins from CrossFit.) Feeling alone is the most insidious lie of depression, and I wanted to squash that voice for myself and anyone else who suffers from depression. Thank you for your encouragement and helping me to stand.

Elizabeth
Thank you for the encouragement, Katie. I appreciate it more than I can express. Thank you for helping me to stand.

Elizabeth
First, I am by no means a mental health professional. I just know what works for me, which is forcing myself to do whatever it is I've been avoiding. Avoiding easy tasks is an early warning sign for me, and I've spent years learning to recognize my signs of depression.

The best thing my family and friends can do for me is to let me know that I'm not alone, that they won't abandon me. I've also told them what the are signs that signify a depressive cycle, and I've asked them to hold me accountable when I start showing the signs. They encourage me to stand up and push me out the door to do things when I really, really don't want to. I have enough sense to do what they say, even though I'm all angsty about it on the inside, because I know once I do, I will feel better.

But these are things that I've asked them to do, so that keeps me from treating them badly when they do them. Because I ASKED them to. I only have myself to blame.

But the reasons for depression can vary so much from person to person, so I wouldn't presume that I understand the cause of your husband's. The best advice I can give is just to let him know that he's not alone.

With hope,
Elizabeth
Unknown said…
Thanks for your post. I know exactly what you mean about avoiding the easy things. I'm usually not a procrastinator when it comes to work or the little things, but lately I just haven't been able to face anything. I've even been avoiding my friends because it's too difficult to make conversation even though I desperately want someone to understand.

Maybe I've spent too much time trying to handle this alone.
Stephanie said…
I look at my depression much the same way - when I feel it getting smothering, I try to find one thing that feels challenging but just within my grasp. Sometimes, that's finishing a homework assignment; sometimes, it's just doing a few dishes. Whatever it is, I do it, and that victory helps me reach other ones.

You're definitely not alone - keep fighting.
Stephanie said…
I think I know how you feel - it's like everything and everyone just *wants* something from you, right? And you don't feel like you have anything to give.

You definitely aren't alone.

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